kate + kate

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I was in the supermarket the other day when I bumped into some English neighbours.
“How's your knee?” David quipped.
“I read your blog, but I was disappointed that you didn't write anything about the wedding.”
Riddled with guilt, I ran home and switched on my computer. For anyone who doesn't know, Kate and I share the same name and we were married on the same day. And yes, of course, I watched the wedding. I even shed a tear.
I could prattle on and on about the dress, how regal she looked, how obviously in love they are but what I'd really like to do is kick off my Hunters, crack open a bottle of Prosecco and share my wifely experiences with her.

But what would I say? Well, I would strongly advise she avoids scandal. After all, I was the one who found the 82 year old husband of a local villager with his 80 year old lover stuck in a car in a snow blizzard. Did I tell anyone? Did I ask what they were doing? No, I turned a blind eye and discretely pulled them out of the snow with the Land Rover.

Perhaps, I could also suggest that she prepares a supply of well-versed phrases to get her through the endless events that she will have to attend.  I always find it handy to have an elegant locution up my sleeve.
“I'm so sorry. Was I was driving too fast? Do you have insurance?”
“No I'm not divorced, my husband is away on business”.
“Don't worry, it's not English. It's actually a recipe from Northern Italy”.

I would also recommend she stays on the good side of the most major matriarch on the planet. Apparently, the Queen has taken an interest in Kate and they will be having weekly meetings where she will be encouraged to listen, not talk. I would urge her to smile and agree with everything, just as I do with Signora Rossi. Signora Rossi is our neighbour's mother-in-law and rules the hill. She is a cross between Nora Batty and Bodecia. Her glare is enough to shake the most courageous of ramblers. Never stray from the path but if you do and she sees, which she will, back away slowly and repeat “Scusi, Signora”.

I would also propose that she follow Prince William's lead. He seems like a sensible sort of a bloke. Don't do what I do and forge ahead without listening to one's spouse.  Planting raspberries without sorting out water issues = sleepless nights and domestic disputes!

And, in my official capacity as the 'other' Kate Middleton, I would like to offer one last piece of advice;
when in doubt, smile and think of England!

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